When I first started writing this, I was sitting on my couch, thinking of the big change that awaits me, that will inevitably be filled with excitement and challenges. I’ve already had many crying spurts throughout the day, hoping my mom doesn’t see. I know if she does, neither of us will stop.
The past days leading up to this big moment I have found myself wanting to be closer with God. For the first time, I will be on my own with no safe space, no place to run to if I am sad or upset or annoyed. When I mentioned this to my mom, who reads Our Daily Bread every morning before work and prays every night before bed, she smiled and said, “God will be with you. And if God is with you, who can stand against you?”
I love hearing that saying. It makes me feel brave when I’m starting something new, something difficult, something scary. This is all of the above. And then it became clear that I won’t be traveling alone. God will always be there.
This isn’t meant to be a post about religion or God. This isn’t meant to be a post to sway you to think the way I do.
In all honesty, I have never been a religious person, but I have always believed in God. I was baptized Catholic. Growing up, I went to a Catholic church every Sunday with my family where I barely understood the sermon (and just looked forward to wherever we were going to eat afterward). I didn’t do my first communion because I didn’t really know what it was. After a while, my family just stopped going. It wasn’t until freshman year of high school that I started going to a Baptist church after being invited to a weekly bible study. I enjoyed going and growing closer to God. I was happy to finally understand the teachings of the bible. But, instead of focusing on that, I took a step back and started looking at the people around me. I realized that most of the people there weren’t very kind outside of church. I was immediately turned off by this and didn’t want to be associated with the ever-present hypocrisy that taints the church. I never went back.
Now, this doesn’t mean I stopped believing altogether. And before I continue I will say I respect all beliefs and non-beliefs. For me, personally, I just can’t look at my life and all of the mishaps and misgivings and see the blessings, both obvious and hidden, and just not believe in God. There’s no way that things could just fall into place without someone else’s, a higher being’s, hand in it.
I still think there are people who go to church daily and make a big fuss, yet, their daily actions speak a different way of life. Those who refuse to accept others for who they are, what they do, or what they believe in on account of, “the bible said so.” However, I see now I was wrong in judging them.
While people might think there’s a hell, I don’t. I believe we fight our demons on Earth daily. When you fight the urge to lie, steal, cheat, or feel jealousy for your peers. While some people might think you can’t have a drink and still love Jesus or be part of the LGBTQ community and still love Jesus, I don’t. Jesus loved/s everyone, genuinely welcomed everyone, accepted everyone. Besides, having a relationship with God isn’t about the things you can’t do. It’s about all of the things you can do with the strength God brings you. I’m praying for that strength daily.
I realize it wasn’t fair, or very Godly of me, to judge those who don’t practice what they preached. And, it wasn’t fair to me, or very Godly of me, to let it hinder my relationship with God. I’m sorry for all of that. Still, at the end of the day, God’s timing is perfect timing. Maybe seeking him before I seek myself on this journey was his plan all along.
With that, I’m off. Prayers are appreciated, good thoughts and vibes are welcome.
“For beautiful eyes, look for the good in others. For beautiful lips, speak only words of kindness. And for poise, walk with the knowledge that you are never alone.” -Audrey Hepburn