My Own Rebirth

As I sit at the gate of my first flight with a European destination since 2016 and my first flight to London ever, I feel the need to write. I did the same thing when I first took a leap of faith in October of 2016. I bought a ticket to Barcelona, not really knowing who or what would await me. Yet, I always felt at peace. I never felt alone.

I can’t find my pen, so here I go texting away, with the intention to share it all with you. Maybe … this one’s way more personal than I planned.

Today, on Easter Eve, I think about where I was last Easter. While I was a couple weeks shy of turning 23 then, now I’m already on week 2 of being 24.

That Easter, I put on a pretty dress. I curled my hair till the strands were pretty waves. I painted. I glossed. I lined. And yet, I hated what I saw in the mirror. I was mean to myself. I picked. I pushed. I fought. I smiled. Since I was 14, I had perfected the art of pretending everything was fine. I had programmed myself to think I could take care of it. I could take away the pain of others and hide my own hurt. I could put bandaids over the wounds my dad had left behind on our family. I could stitch up the scars. I could erase the worry. That continued on for years. Eventually, I started to believe this was the only way it could be. The only way I could “earn” love.

On Easter of 2018, I walked into my church home of Real Life and was ushered with my mom and sister to the front row. I wish I could remember which words did it. Which words made it sink in. God had died for me. I was “to die for.” I was worthy of so much love and so much care, and I didn’t need to do anything to earn it. I could just rest. I could take all that baggage I had been carrying and give it to Him. He was ready and happy to carry it for me. That was the first time I cried at church.

A week later, I made an appointment to see a therapist. There, I unloaded every insecurity, every hurtful thought, every past event that may have made me doubt myself now. It felt good. It felt like a blessing.

From then on, I made steps to be better, to feel better, to just feel good. I took writing classes. I said yes more. I worked out for me, not to be skinny. (I could say, “I ate all the chocolate,” but that was never an issue. Ya girl loves her chocolate chip anything.) I prayed more. I praised more. I laughed. I was just me.

If you don’t believe what you put into the universe is what you get out of it, here’s a little rundown of what I did in year 23:

Saw the end of toxic friendships

Waved hello to lifelong ones

Adopted my pup, Whiskey (who is now heartworm free!!!)

Offered more allowances in relationships

Created boundaries

Got promoted !!!!

Let God be my realtor (ask me about that one) and got a dream apt

Said way more compliments to myself than ever before

Made my relationship with my family the strongest it’s been

Bought a ticket to London farther in advance than I would ever want to commit to. But, if it was gonna happen, it was gonna happen at a cheap price.

I wish I could say I never have a day of doubt, but what a lie that would be. I’m human. I make mistakes, and I feel bad about them. I overthink. I get awkward. I feel gross in those jeans. But, I still love myself. I still choose my curvy body, my loud laugh, my big eyes, my overthinking mind. It makes me me.

I’m not sure what awaits me on this journey. But, I know I’m going into this one with way more love, way more positivity, and way more faith than before. That sounds pretty good to me.

With my favorite book, The Alchemist once again in my purse to accompany me, I’m ready to board and leave you with a quote from it.

“When we love, we always strive to become better than we are. When we strive to become better than we are, everything around us becomes better too.” -Paulo Cohelo