My Realizations of 2019

I didn’t mean for this to be a New Year’s Eve post, but things pop up, and it lined up this way. Now, I have a chance not only to complete this piece but also to reflect on the year as a whole. I also don’t mean to make all my blog posts about my faith, but it just ends up being that way because at the end of the day, it’s all thanks to Him.

Realizations > Resolutions.

Many things happened this year that made me feel so blessed. In no particular order: I turned 24. I got promoted twice. I traveled to London, Amsterdam (maybe I’ll post about these on the anniversary of the trip ??,  so sorry), and a few cities in the states. I lost my voice at concerts. I fell at the river. I saw two sweet friends tie the knot. I yelled at and for my teams. I lost friends. I gained new ones. I kissed. I rejected. I was rejected. I played kickball and got injured. I got the flu (shoutout RL Youth Weeknd, cabin 4). I became stronger. My feelings were hurt. I cried. I laughed. I forgave. I found my identity in Christ, for real. I declared my faith and got baptized. I learned to love myself fully. 

So many things. So many things I didn’t think I would do. Baptism was one of them. I had never truly understood the significance of baptism. If you’re showing God’s love through the way you speak and act towards others, you’re a Christian to me. Why did you have to get your hair wet to prove it? I didn’t get it, but I was cool with it. So when one of my pastors asked if I wanted to get baptized, I was like sure. 

Part One: Washed Clean.

I planned to get baptized back in May, but I couldn’t the day my church was having them. The next opportunity wouldn’t be until October, and I said alright, I’ll do it then. I didn’t think much of it. 

But as the months passed, I became more and more lost. I started losing sight of what I wanted for myself and in my relationships. I tried to be upfront but felt like I was either hurting others or getting hurt in the process. Instead of letting myself feel hurt, I focused on the positives, like the fact that I had clarity and could shut the door on people who didn’t care about me. But I ended up distracting myself instead of fully healing. I was spinning. By the time the eve of my baptism rolled around, I was desperately seeking steadiness.

I spent that night before eating tacos, cookies, and banana bread with two of my closest friends. One has been a best friend of mine for a while now. We started out as co-workers, with warped first impressions of each other. She was the first person to come into my life in a long time that made me want to be better. The minute we got to know each other, we realized we were more similar than we thought. She continues to better me with her sound advice and strong encouragement. The second, I’ve only just now gotten to know. Yet, she and I understand each other better than most. It could be because of our enneagrams, a 2 to my 2w3. It could be because we care with all of our might and are understanding almost to a fault. It could be our circumstances have made us who the other needs in this very moment. But whatever it might be, I’m truly grateful. 

They made me feel at home and were excited to see me step into a new life. Still, I felt uneasy. After everything that had happened, did I deserve to be baptized?

At church the next day, the worship team sang, Defender. My eyes welled up as the words hung in the air: When I thought I lost me, You knew where I left me. You reintroduced me to Your love. You picked up all my pieces. Put me back together. You are the defender of my heart. 

That’s when I knew I didn’t get baptized in May because that’s not when God meant for me to. My baptism was in October because everything had to happen beforehand. My baptism came exactly when I needed it. 

Showcasing my love for Jesus in front of my church and friends and strangers was a big step for me. But more than that, it was a new birth, a clean slate. One I didn’t deserve. One I could never earn. One that I know I will mess up. I’m human. I’m imperfect. And Jesus loves me just the same. The important thing is not to keep doing those things that make me feel shame and guilt. It’s to ask for forgiveness and move forward. Getting baptized is my declaration that Christ is my savior and heavenly Father. That He is how I want to live my life. Not just on the weekdays. Not just on Sunday. All the time. With every person.

Part Two: Falling in Love.

This is a lengthy post, and part of me wants to break it up into two. But the other part of me does not care because these are two realizations that came from 2019, and I want to share them before 2020. So here goes the second thing I thought I would never do: love what I saw in the mirror. 

I would like to think others see me as a confident person. I’ve been told I have a strut and a presence that say, “Hello, I have arrived.” It might be because I’m usually laughing, and my laughter can be heard from many steps away, to put it lightly. And yet, I’ve struggled with my body image and self-worth for years.

I would say the rift in the relationship with my dad definitely had something to do with it. It’s something I haven’t written about yet. Maybe because it’s always felt too personal. But I wanted to write this in hopes that someone may relate and maybe, just maybe would feel better and see some life change this new year. Here’s the thing: When my parents’ divorced, my dad grew distant from me. I found myself being the one to reach out, the one calling, the one asking how the other how they were doing. I continued to make the effort for two reasons. The first was I didn’t want to wake up one day regretting the time I didn’t pick up the phone. The second was I hoped that if I tried hard enough, he’d try too. It was hard to realize that my biggest internal battle was with the voice telling me, “If your dad, your blood, doesn’t want to be there for you, who would want to be?”

It was tough to not be able to shut that voice up. It would sometimes get very faint, but always present. I look back and see why I stayed in relationships and friendships that didn’t fulfill me for so long, just giving it my all. Just me hoping to be worthy of the kind of love and care I was giving. I will say that the way I care about people has never changed. This struggle didn’t harden me or make me want to hurt others the way I had been. Despite everything, I still love others the way I’ve been taught Jesus would, without judgement and with all the kindness. But even so, it hurts not to receive the same effort back. It makes you wonder why am I not deserving of the same treatment?

Again, these posts aren’t supposed to all be tied to my faith, but it’d be a lie to not point to the reason why I can say I’ve overcome that voice. I am able to silence it. I’ve grown stronger, and I love myself now more than ever. The reason being the realization that I have a heavenly Father that begs to be in my life without me having to prove I deserve it. It took telling my church’s Youth at camp that God believed we were to die for, for me to realize He was telling me that every day. I could finally hear that being shouted over the other voice that had haunted me for so long. I was worth dying for, and my goodness that’s changed everything.

So what did I do with this epiphany? I forgave my dad. He didn’t ask for it. I don’t think he’ll ever know the mark he left, and he doesn’t have to know. I forgave him because I am forgiven. I forgave him because the only one holding onto that pain was me. I also forgave myself for letting me think that way for so many years. I forgave myself for staying with someone who made me feel like I had to earn a compliment or sweet gesture. I forgave myself for comparing myself to others. I imagined myself hugging that young girl who felt lost and alone. I imagined myself telling her that she will forgive one day, when it was right. That she would love others just as Jesus loved her. 

And just like that I felt lighter, I felt happier, and I felt loved. About 5 months after this, I had a phone call I’ll never forget. My dad and I were talking (we always stayed in touch) and out of nowhere he said, “I never told you this, but if I ever made you feel like I didn’t want to be in your life, I’m sorry. That was never my intention, but I’m sorry.”

My eyes filled with tears and a big grin covered my face when I responded, “Thanks, dad. And don’t worry, I’ve already forgiven you.”

Our relationship isn’t perfect and might never be. But, the love is there, and the more I get to know my dad, the more I understand him and the more I pray for him. 

That didn’t magically make everything okay, though. Scars don’t just disappear. I still had doubts when it came to feeling wanted and attractive in my skin. As I mentioned before, I got rejected this year. It’s no easy feat to put yourself out there and lay it out on the table. I didn’t get the answer I wanted. ‘Twas very dry for someone like me who loves putting feelings into words. And though it hurt to not be wanted, I also saw why it was for the best to end that chapter sooner than later. 

I thought back at my time with this person and saw that I was still a little bruised from my past. I needed to do something to remember I deserved to feel wanted and to be loved. I deserved to feel good about myself. And I didn’t need to find that in anyone else but me. So instead of seeking any of that or any validation from elsewhere, I searched for it within myself. I cut back on unhealthy habits and signed up for dance classes. I felt awkward during my first one and completely lost at my second, but I crushed the third one. I felt sexy at the fourth and couldn’t stop laughing at the fifth. And when I saw they were offering a stilettos class to Adorn by Miguel, I actually threw some heels on. Scared to slip, I learned, practiced, repeated the dance moves. It ended with no falls on the floor, just me falling in love with feeling empowered.

I’ve noticed that the more I grow in my faith and in my confidence, the more it shows. The more I look at the person in the mirror and smile at what I see. The more I think of my emotional scars and see strength. The more I thank and praise Him for the healing.

So what was the point of this super long post? To have y’all sign up for Diva Dance and Sass~N~Strut classes. Just kidding (though y’all should if a room full of support and love is what you’re looking for). It’s to let you know that even if someone walks into a room with a strut or has the loudest laugh, that doesn’t mean they’re not fighting a battle. So be kind. It’s to let you know that if you’re holding on to regret, pain, anger, it will only make the weight on your shoulders heavier. So forgive. *That’s not to say you have to reconcile if that’s not the right or healthy choice for you.* If you’ve ever wondered if God is mad at you, I’m here to tell you no. Like our pastor says, He’s madly in love with you. And it’s to let you know that if you think you’re not worthy of the love you deserve, you’re wrong. You deserve it, but you need to love yourself first because if you don’t, no one else will be able to love you right.